You Were There and Then You Weren’t

On September 16th 2019 I saw something I have been blessed to see many times before, five to be exact. Two pink lines! Confirmed later by a digital test glaring the word “Pregnant” across the screen. 

Since I’m high risk for ectopic pregnancy because of a blocked fallopian tube I was quickly seen to take my HCG level to confirm doubling every 2-3 days! The first blood test came back 374, two days later 685 and one last test came back 1324! I couldn’t believe it! Brooks and this sweet baby would be only 16 months apart. We love, love, love having our babies close in age. We felt so thankful! 

The symptoms rolled in and I welcomed them with open arms. Vivid dreams, dry skin, weird taste in mouth, dizzy spells, headaches, and waves of nausea. 

October 3rd 2019 5W5D Our first ultrasound to truly rule out ectopic. We have a gestational sac and a yolk sac as well as the start of a fetal pole all in my uterus as they should be. 

Due May 30th 2020 the same due date as Oliver!

October 7th 2019 6W2D We have a strong heartbeat! 117BPM the doctor said anything over 100 at this point is great. Feeling so lucky to be doing this a SIXTH time! 

October 15th 7W3D 153BPM first thing the doctor said was “beautiful, strong heartbeat!” I smiled, it truly was, strong and beautiful. There was a concern though baby’s gestational sac was measuring a week behind! The doctor said he has seen this before and it has been okay, but we like to see all three measuring around the same (within days) the baby, the yolk sac and the gestational sac. There was nothing we could do and we would just have to see. 

October 19th 2019 I had rented a doppler as I have for all my past pregnancies just for some reassurance between appointments. I wasn’t going to use it just yet, but something in me had me just try.I found it right away! At just 8 weeks that is very early. It was registering at 156BPM and I grabbed my phone to record it. It was strong and beautiful just as it was the week before. Hearing the heartbeat gave me the push to share our exciting news with our kids! They were thrilled! Jumping up and down, hugged and kissed my tiny bloat belly asking the name and the gender right away! 

Red flag- After dinner that night I wanted to hear it one more time before bed and I couldn’t find the heartbeat. I tried not to panic and felt much better after reading so many women online say how it’s hard to find the heartbeat before 12 weeks and 8 weeks is nearly impossible. I decided to just feel lucky I even found it earlier that day and go to bed, I tossed and turned all night thinking something was wrong, I checked again first thing the next morning, nothing. Knowing I had a scan the next morning was the only thing that kept me from going totally crazy. I hoped for the best. 

October 21st 8W2D You were there and then you weren’t. 

At 8 weeks baby was measuring perfectly 8 weeks on the dot. Right away when baby popped up on the screen I knew they were gone. He didn’t have to say it, I saw. That beautiful and strong heartbeat we had just heard the day before last was gone. Baby was there floating with no room in their sac which now measured two weeks behind! The baby did everything they could to be here with us. They were perfect. They did nothing wrong, it was all because of that dang sac. I knew it, I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t find the heartbeat anymore. I believe our baby was holding on for me to hear their heartbeat just one time on the doppler and record it to keep forever. Then you had to go, you had to leave. 

As I’m sitting here writing about our baby we will never meet I feel this lump in my throat choking me. I want them here so badly. They were meant to be here. They did nothing wrong. They were growing perfectly just as they should! 

You were there and then you weren’t. 

Something like this happening is rare. I have searched the internet and usually it’s the baby that stops growing and the sac that continues. Or that there was never even a heartbeat and all growth stopped. 

We had to update the kids. Landon and Oliver the oldest took it the hardest especially Oliver. He cried full tears rolling down his little sweet cheeks. He said how he wishes he could have helped the sac grow and held me as we both cried. 

October 23rd 2019 Saying goodbye

Tomorrow is my D&C. Tomorrow we say goodbye until we meet again. 

These two days before the surgery have been hard to say the least. Knowing the baby is in there no longer alive is hard. I have hardly slept and I don’t want to eat. I want this baby out, but I want them to stay forever knowing this is the closest I’ll ever get to holding my sweet baby that left too soon. 

I can’t wait to meet you one day, baby. I carried you in my tummy for only a short time, but you will always be in my heart. Thank you for giving me the gift of the sound of your beautiful heartbeat. I play it often and will cherish it forever.

Tomorrow we say goodbye, for now.