When I first found out I was pregnant with Landon back in November of 2010, I was terrified. I was a sophomore in college, Matt was a senior, we had not been dating long. I remember looking at that positive pregnancy test knowing my life had changed forever. Even though I was young and terrified I knew one thing, I was in love with my baby.
I left college to move home in December, Matt continued his senior year and came down from Pennsylvania to Virginia every weekend to see me and our growing baby. It was probably sometime in February that I noticed my face, hands and feet getting swollen. I figured it was just pregnancy. In March, I quit working because the swelling had gotten so bad. One morning in mid April, I woke up and could hardly open my eyes they were so swollen. My mom drove me to my OBGYN and they right away sent me to the hospital. My blood pressure was very high it was then that they diagnosed me with preeclampsia. My mom had it with me and it is more common with younger and older woman during pregnancy. Matt rushed down from school to be with me. I had to change to a high risk doctor who would be delivering Landon. My new high risk doctor put me on magnesium for my blood pressure which makes you feel like you have the flu times 100. After talking about my blood pressure and Landons lack of growth recently, he decided it would be best to have a c-section that day! I couldn't believe it I was only 27 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Landon was just measuring 2lbs I was devastated! Hearing the news that we would be meeting out first born that day should have been happy news, but instead I was dreading it. I knew it was what had to be done for my health and for his.
At 4:11pm on April 19th, 2011 Landon James Worthington was born. Matt and I heard his little kitten cry in the silent, cold operating room. I didn't get to see him as expected they rushed him to the table and wrapped him in aluminum foil and gave him oxygen. I asked Matt to be with him I just wanted him to be with Landon. The nurses brought him over for me to kiss his little face while I got stitched up. Matt and the nurse went down to the NICU with Landon in an isolette where he would be staying for the next three months. Once in recovery all I could think about was Landon, I just wanted to be with him, but I couldn't. I don't remember much, but after two days I was finally able to hold Landon. It wasn't how I had imagined my first time holding him would be after all those months he was growing in my tummy. I had to ask permission and there were so many cords I could hardly even see his little face behind his oxygen mask and feeding tube, but I felt whole again. After days of feeling like part of me was missing, I was finally whole again, holding my baby boy in my arms where he belonged. In the coming days if I wasn't forcing myself to eat or pumping I was begging Matt to wheel me down to the NICU. The nights were the worst-- I still get choked up writing about it today. I would cry every night, Matt would get in my hospital bed and hold me and I would cry my eyes out. I would cry because I was emotionally in pain and then I would cry because I was physically in pain. Every night I would hear the newborns next door crying for their mothers it was a constant reminder that I couldn't be there to take care of my baby.
After days at the hospital recovering from my preeclampsia and c section we had to leave Landon and go home. Also during that time Matt had to leave to take his finals and I had never felt more alone. I had to be strong though for Landon and for Matt. I couldn't imagine having to study for finals and write papers with our son so premature in the hospital states away. Matt was so brave and strong during this time. Even having incredible family and friends supporting us it was the hardest thing Matt and I have ever been through. I went every day, twice a day 30 minutes away to visit Landon. I spent all my time away from Landon pumping, cleaning the pump stuff, and setting up to do it again. That was all I could do when I was away from him. I felt horrible, I was so mad at myself for not being able to carry him to term. In my mind I had failed him. All I could do was pump and provide for him that way. As thankful as I am for them it was so hard seeing the nurses care for Landon. I wanted to do it so badly, I just wanted to pick his little fragile body up and hold him and kiss him all over. But I couldn't I was restricted by the cords and the constant beeping of the leads falling off. It was terrifying. Every time we heard the beeping Matt and I would whip our heads to look at the monitor to make sure he was okay.
Fast forward to June 28th, 2011 Landon came home and it just happened to be Matts first day at his new job. I went with my mom to pick Landon up and I remember running to the elevator being so excited! We had to take Landon home on a monitor to make sure he didn't forget to breathe. It was scary, but I knew he would thrive like he had since the day he was born. Landon was and always will be our angel baby. He is our blessing, he is stronger than I could ever be and the most loving little boy I've ever met. I am so proud to call him my son and honored to be his mother. I loved him since the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test. One thing is for sure Landon is so meant to be here!
